An Awakening

     “We can trust our Lady’s love for us and her knowledge of God. The woman who says, Do whatever He tells you, is the girl who sang the Magnificat, rejoicing that her Son had come for our joy, and this first miracle, symbol as it is of Christ’s life in us, was not a miracle related to suffering, but one designed to give an increase of joy to the people already rejoicing. That good wine is a symbol of Christ’s life in our soul, changing our tepid, colorless human nature to the strong life-giving humanity of Christ, and giving it the power to invigorate others, to warm their hearts and minds, to kindle the life in them with Christ’s love, just as wine given to a cold weary person tones up the blood in their veins.”    
                                                                                                             Caryll Houselander


     Late last January, after meditating on the reading of the Wedding Feast of Cana, I prayed and asked Our Lady, to BEG Jesus to turn the water of my marriage into a deep rich wine. Having been inspired to make this prayer, I FELT CERTATIN that God would answer it. I just wasn’t sure how.

     Little by little, God began to reveal to me the conditional way in which I loved. I have to admit, IT WAS NOT WHAT I HAD EXPECTED TO LEARN OR HEAR! I had anticipated an awakening within my husband of all the ways that he should love me. I never anticipated that the focus would be on me, and how poorly I imitated God’s unconditional way of loving!

    I began to see that my focus was on myself, and my expectations of the ways I expected to be loved by my husband. I had turned within, gazing at all the ways that I thought he needed to change. I had even discovered “a program,” that would bring about this great transformation! But the program took a nose-dive and crashed! This wasn’t the answer. I was so mistaken about my vision of the entire situation!

     Little did I realize what I was truly asking for when I prayed my prayer. In retrospect, I now hear Jesus saying, “You do not know what you are asking. Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?” (Mt 20:22). Like James and John, I thought I could – I thought I had – I thought I was! It was coming apparent to me how wrong I had been.

     Unbeknown to me, the good wine, the wine that I was praying to have, is a symbol of Christ’s life in my soul. Through my prayer, I was asking that Mary ask Jesus to change my “epic, colorless human nature to the strong life-giving humanity of Christ.” I never anticipated all the ways that I fell short in imitating Our Lord! It felt as if God was holding up a magnifying glass to my heart, revealing all the faults and defects that I had managed to hide so well – from myself anyway!

     This all became clear to me the other night – quite unexpectedly!

     I had been feeling stretched for the last couple of weeks. I had been very busy, doing for others. On top of that, my husband had hurt his back. Due to his pain, he had been irritable and cranky. I was feeling frustrated because I judged he wasn’t doing what he could to help lessen his pain. This particular evening, my husband and I had guests over for dinner. He had picked them up and had planned on taking them home. When the time came for them to leave, Johnathan was not up to driving. His pain had now gotten the best of him and he asked if I would drive them home.

      Although I said yes, I was furious inside. I had made the judgement that Johnathan had not done what he could to alleviate his pain earlier in the day, or for the last number of days. To add to my annoyance, one of them needed to stop by a store to pick up a few items. What already felt like an inconvenience to me, was now magnified by the additional time it would take. I was steaming within. After all I usually use the time it takes Johnathan to takes our guests home, to do my quiet prayer time. This would now have to be delayed a good half hour or more which will make our time spent relaxing together significantly shortened. Although I don’t believe my displeasure was evident to our guests or my husband, I was not a happy camper!

     As I sat outside the store waiting for our guest to return, I decided to read the scripture reading for Mass for the next day. I figured I at least get a head start on my quiet time.

     As I read the readings, I felt taken aback! “For we who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh” (2Corth: 11).

     By my inward behavior, I was not manifesting the life of Christ. I was going through the motions, but I was not dying to my will. My will was alive and well. No doubt about it!

     The reading from St. Paul was bad enough, but then the Gospel stabbed me right in the heart! It was the Gospel about James and John and drinking the cup of Christ. But the words that truly got to me were: “Whoever wishes to be great among you shall be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave. Just so, the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many” (Mt 20: 27-28).

     I felt like I wanted to run and hide! Although I could see that God was trying to convict me by His precious Word, I did not want to hear it.

     The devil began to torment, taunt and tempt me with thoughts and ideas that were hitting me like a barrage of arrows. I felt helpless and hopeless. I was weary and tired and did not want to deal with it. When I arrived home, after doing my quiet prayer time, I retreated into our family room with my husband, the television and a nice dish of ice cream. That will make things better!

     While attending Mass the following day, I prayed to be open to God’s grace and resist the taunts of the evil one. “You think you’re so holy. You get put out because you have to do a good deed because you wanted to do your prayer time. You may as well stop praying right now. It’s not working. Give up! And that wine that you asked for, it sure seems sour if you ask me!”

     The devil’s words stung. I was doing poorly. But I knew that even though I was far from perfect, without my time with God, I’d be sunk! It was time to pull out the big guns. I was tired of spinning my wheels. I needed help. The solution became clear. My sister and I planned a pilgrimage for the following day.

     As we traveled to our blessed destination, Rachael and I spoke about the struggles and obstacles in our lives.

     After our arrival, we prayed like crazy at each of the beautiful shrines, went to Confession, attended Mass, and prayed a rosary. We sat before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and emptied our hearts of all the burdens we had been carrying.

     A deep peace enveloped me. It became crystal clear that my prayer was being answered. God was trying to change the water of my heart into the best wine by perfecting my love, for my husband, as well as others. His focus had to be on me because I’m the only one I can change.

     Seeing myself, as I truly am, was and is difficult. I have a long way yet to travel on the road to perfect love. But my God is a patient God, who knows me through and through, yet loves me still. He will not give up on me. I must not give up on myself. I must allow His penetrating, purifying love to burn out anything within my heart that does not reflect Him.

     My trust is in Him and not myself. If I do not give up, God will transform my pathetic way of loving to be Christ like. He will give me “the power to invigorate others, to warm their hearts and minds, to kindle the life in them with Christ’s love.”

     If I am faithful, God will answer my prayer. Like Mary, my mother, I will pray to be open to the grace "to do whatever He tells me." Then along with Mary, I will be able to praise God "for all that He has done in me" and delight in the fact, that God "has saved the best wine until now!"