Freed from the Mire

 “You duped me, O Lord, and I let myself be duped” Jer. 20:7.

That scripture, those thoughts, that idea, was being seared into my mind, and deep within my being. Again, and again and again. The evil one wanted me to agree, accept and own that truth…except it wasn’t truth. It was a downright lie! Jesus warned us about the devil. “He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in truth, because there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he speaks in character, because he is a liar and the father of lies” Jn.8:44-45.

On good days, I could see it as it was…a temptation. I could cling to God and counter it with other scriptures to help me overcome myself and take the next step. But on days when I felt inadequate and lacking, realizing I was way out of my league, I would sink, deep into the mire of self-doubt and defeat!

On bad days, when stuck in the mire, the evil one was quick to display all my other vulnerable places and parade them before my eyes. His hope was to keep me down and distract me from the task at hand. It was important to recognize his ploys and throw myself into the merciful arms of Papa, run to His Word, or sit before Jesus, in the Blessed Sacrament, and beg Him to fill me with His love and cast out all my fear. 

I have also found that giving this fear a voice, by sharing it with a spiritual friend, can be helpful. Bringing it out from the darkness and into God’s light, begins to negate the feelings of desolation.  It restores hope and the realization that God will bring peace sometime soon.

This all began several months ago, when a nudge from God urged me to review the Children’s Sacrament stories and endeavor to have them published. 

I’ve been working with a design editor, who has stretched and challenged me in ways that have completely transformed my ideas from good to better. 

The stories are publish-ready and now I have to write a proposal, in the hopes of getting the books published professionally. When I read the questions on the proposal, I was overwhelmed! I felt as though I was in foreign land or even another planet.

All of my inadequacies and lack of experience in this field, came to light. On top of all of that, I have to market myself and my books or show ways in which I can. This is all counterintuitive to me. Even though I have had Avia Joy for twelve years, I’ve never marketed her. I’ve never done anything to get more followers, or drum up subscribers. I thought it was prideful to do that, so I just gave it to Papa and told Him to take care of everything. But that has all changed. Social media is a big way to promote yourself and your product, and I am so clueless in how to even begin this process.

Soooo, the temptation is for me to stop the process. To put the stories away and believe I discerned incorrectly. But like Jerimiah, I feel compelled to take the next step…to do whatever I have to do and give it my best shot.

“I say to myself, I will not mention him, I will speak his name no more. But then it becomes like fire burning in my heart, imprisoned in my bones; I grow weary holding it in, I cannot endure it” Jer. 20: 9. 

Try as I may, I cannot not speak about God. I want so much for others to love Him and know Him. As much as I would like to walk away, I will not. 

For much of my adult life, I have shared my faith with others in many diverse and challenging ways. In so many instances, God has brought me to and through places where I felt as though I didn’t fit or belong, and yet soon became familiar and a leader in that position. I have to remember all of those experiences and know that it will be a lot of work, but till the door has been closed, I have to stay the course. 

With that said, I have taken the next step. I am doing whatever work I can do to fill out the proposal. I have also reached out to some friends who are tech savvy, unlike myself. I am always amazed when I realized that I have been blogging for twelve years and Avia Joy is alive and well.

I will continue this journey into the unknow, accompanied by friends that I believe God will send to me for help. I will give it my best shot and place my trust in God. This IS NOT a comfortable or familiar place for me to explore, but with the help of God, and all of you, I will take the next step, beg for your prayers, and believe what God is able to accomplish. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not” Prv. 3: 5.