Shaken From My Sleep

      “O my God, You and You alone are all wise and knowing! You know, You have determined everything that will happen to us from first to last. You have ordered things in the wisest way, and You know what will be my lot year by year until I die. You know how long I have to live. You know how I shall die. You have precisely ordained everything, sin excepted. Every event of my life is the best for me that could be for it comes from You. You bring me on year by year, by your wonderful Providence, from youth to age, with the most perfect wisdom, and with the most perfect love.”       

                                                                               St. John Henry Cardinal Newman

     Holy Scripture confirms this truth: “You have seen my actions; in Your book they are all written; my days were limited before one of them existed” (Psalm 139: 16).

      This is something I have believed and trusted. It gave me a sense of peace when we experienced all the unknown of Covid. God knows when He will take me: Covid couldn’t change that fact. This knowing of God’s plan for my life, as well as my loved ones, helped me to keep things in perspective.

     Many years ago, I made a prayer to God asking that before I died, He would purify me completely so I could go straight to heaven. I realized at the time, that would entail some sort of suffering beforehand. So, I assumed that I would be struck with some longsuffering disease that would perfect me at some point in my life.

     Much to my surprise a number of months ago, I began to exhibit a sudden onset of serious life-threatening symptoms in which, not once, but twice I thought I was dying.

     “God, am I dying?” I asked. I didn’t know and although I felt stunned with my situation, I was surprisingly at peace. 

     The scary physical manifestations passed both times, the second taking much longer that the first and then off to the hospital, in the hopes of obtaining some answers.

     These mysterious manifestations, thought to be initially something routine, proved in the months that lay ahead perplexing, unresolved, and unsettling. 

     I no longer had the life net of suffering ahead of time, after all, it now appeared as though I could die quite suddenly. The thought of that frightened me. 

     Why did I feel afraid of dying? I have tried my best to live a life pleasing to God. I’ve attempted to love others and change in the ways that I believed God was asking of me. I’ve stayed close to Him in being a daily Communicant, frequent confession and daily visits to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. So, why would I fear if God was calling me suddenly?

     I decided to journal in His Presence and ask myself and Jesus that question. It became apparent that I was acting like the virgins who were waiting for the Bridegroom and was now, awakened from my sleep. I had hoped to be prepared, like the wise virgins and be ready to meet the Bridegroom. I no longer felt prepared! 

     A very insightful reflection on this Gospel passage pointed out to me that all the virgins were sleeping…not just the foolish ones. This fact had never really penetrated my mind in the past. Erasmo Leiva-Merikakis goes on to explain: “The Bridegroom arrives unexpectedly, of course, at midnight, at the moment when the darkness is thickest and those awaiting Him are plunged into unconsciousness….   Everyone is caught off guard; everyone will now be seen by Him exactly as he is in reality, with unkempt hair and bleary eyes and a sleep-sodden brain. No time now for last-minute touch-ups before the mirror. No time now to prepare exculpating speeches. At long last He has truly arrived and is standing before…. What I do not already have with me, what I have not already become, that I cannot surely now magically manufacture!....”

     I became aware, at that moment, that I needed to be ready with the oil of my life at any time. I was not to be presumptuous that Jesus would come when I was fully awake and ready.

     This shaking from my sleep began to stir within me the need for a good examination of conscience. I had to be very honest and bring all the sins, most especially the ones I’d rather not say, to the merciful Lord, in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It was clear there were some things I’ve withheld, because of pride and embarrassment. I did not want to be filled with any fear of the arrival of my dear sweet Jesus, my Bridegroom, but prepare myself as best I could for His coming. 

     As I left the confessional, having brought everything to the light of Christ, I felt a deep sense of peace and readiness. Believing I’ll have the time to be purified, is not something I take for granted anymore.  I’ll do my best to be prepared. 

     Let us all trust, as Cardinal Newman proclaims of our good God, “You bring me on year by year, by Your wonderful Providence, from youth to age, with the most perfect wisdom, and with the most perfect love.”      

     St. John Henry Cardinal Newman, please pray for us, that we can be convicted of this with all our hearts and souls!